He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
