I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
