swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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