So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Randomize
