I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I need a beard to bite.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
