Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Randomize
