Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
