Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
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