i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize