how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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