He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
