This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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