when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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