omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Couch. On fire.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
