I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
