sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
