my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
