Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
