he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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