I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize