just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
4 words: hood of his car
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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