I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
