I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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