Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
