Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
