We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
