we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
