Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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