So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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