dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
