dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
