I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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