Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Randomize