i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
