Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
