I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
