mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
