Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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