Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Randomize
