if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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