wanna go halves on a baby?
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I'm like, not good at living.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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