i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
You made out with two different species that night
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
