dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
