I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
