4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
