On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
