guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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