Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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