I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
