i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Randomize
