my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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