I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
