I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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