morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
