I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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