apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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