I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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