So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
